Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I Prayed that Someone Else Would See.

I’m not certain how to process, or if processing will do my soul any good.  Beginnings are lengthy. I know, I know I’m supposed to tell a story from the beginning, maybe someday I will, but for now, all I am able to contemplate is the now and the various possible futures that will come from tomorrow.

One week ago my beautiful son celebrated his tenth birthday, the boy with the sandy hair and big hazel eyes. He bounced around the dinner table awaiting the opening of a gift from his sisters, he sat on the edge of his chair and rushed through dinner asking continually if it was time. His feet moved from the side of the chair to the front of the chair and they even made their way up underneath him. His normal antsy anticipation seemed to overwhelm him that night. It has always been normal for Scott, and for all little boys. At least I always thought it was normal.

My Scotty is a healthy, happy boy with limitless energy, explosive sounds and a kind spirit. He has been a gift far greater than I thought possible. My beautiful boy curled in my arms from birth, and has slowly unfurled and has begun to walked into the world.

Before his birthday I spoke with his teacher on the phone, she had sent an email and we had been corresponding back and forth. The subject line read simply Concerned. She explained that we needed to meet immediately because she was concerned about Scott’s skill level. I replied stating that I had expressed concerns for the past few years during IEP meetings and parent teacher conferences. Scott has an IEP for speech therapy, he stuttered badly as a Kindergartener and still struggles with sounds. His teacher said that Scott is eager to learn but inattentive and impatient, and she encouraged me to seek an independent evaluation while she sought an internal one.  She then spoke the words I never thought I would hear, ADHD and potential learning disabilities.

Honestly, I prayed that someone other than I, saw what I saw.

I’ve heard the nightmares, read the articles and overwhelmed myself with information I’ve sifted through google search results for. Reactions from others have been strong, medicate, don’t medicate, food therapy, occupational therapy, caffeine therapy. The reactions, I must admit, have been as strong as my own, and sometimes just as severe. I felt it rise like a stone in my throat, this heaviness I carry, and in spite of it, I have become a passionate advocate for moving forward. I don’t think it matters the specifics of any problem facing a child, as a mother your heart seeks answers. I found myself groping for answers and feeling as though I’m drowning in them. None have yet to provide me with the necessary tools to sit beside my son and help him find a word, a simple word, an illusive and lost somewhere in his remembrance and spell it correctly. And still I try.

Tomorrow begins our journey. Tomorrow is the first of the consultations and evaluations will follow, and those will inevitably lead to an answer. I pray that it will be an answer that will join us at the kitchen table with the tools that will enable my eager to learn son to at last be successful in that endeavor. I am a woman of faith, and my faith is the reason that I have hope. I chose to hope and so we move onto the next phase of this journey. A journey that promises revelation. Whether that revelation comes in the form of the confrontation of my own demons or those of a broken system, I prayerfully hope for the revelation of the lost path to learning my son has yet found. Pray I have the courage to share those revelations and in doing so I hope to tell those parents like ourselves that they are not alone, and I hope to find those who would say that neither are we.